Thank You Yo-Yo

Sometimes you should pamper yourself, I mean really ham it up. I did about a month ago by opening a bottle of 1996 Dom Perignon. I personally would never go out of my way to drop $200 on a bottle of suds, but this very special bottle was given to me by score writer and cellist Yo-Yo Ma. You know, the guy who wrote the music for Hidden Dragon and Memiors of a Geisha.

At my old wine retail job Yo-Yo Ma came in to buy an absurd amount of wine. After he made his purchase and left, I noticed an envelope sitting on the counter. Inside was his passport. As cool as a popsicle, I scooped it up and tracked down his assistant's phone number through the credit card company. About an hour later a black towncar pulls up and Yo-Yo Ma and his assistant hop out. The ever-thankful assistant offered me money to show his gratitude, which I declined. Mr. Ma told his assistant something, then looked at me and smiled. The assistant ran to the trunk of the car, pulled out a green box, and hurried back in with it. "If you will not take money, then you will take this," Mr. Ma demanded, and handed me the bottle of Dom '96. Pretty generous, I have to say.

Later that evening I got home and contemplated the future of the champagne. To store or to drink? After what seemed like hours, the jury of one made his decesion to store it.

About a week passed, and I couldn't wait any longer! Off goes the top, and into the glass it went. This Dom showed beautiful toasted color and a perfect amount of fizz. On the nose I found a hint of citrus and mineral. At my first sip, I thought that the wine was too young, and I was right. I should have put it down for another 5-10 years, and my lack of patience cost me dearly. Toasty biscuit, lemon and metallic flavors came through the stampede of bubbles, with a nice dry finish across my palate. Definitely a good bottle, but I wish that I could have waited.

I am beyond grateful to Yo-Yo Ma for his generosity. Unfortunately, however, my ability to wait to open something good resembles a 9-year-old on Christmas Eve, so my first experience with Dom Perignon was memorable, but not as epic as it would have been if I'd waited a bit.

It's Not in the Numbers

It's Sunday afternoon. A 62-degree late January day in LA, a great day for a walk down to the newsstand for somthing to read in the evening. I grab my hoodie and jacket and I'm off faster than a prom dress. Upon my arrival, there's a plethora of automotive publications, female "I hate my body" magazines, and row after row of nudie magazines. It's a hard choice between cars and girls, but I happen to have nearly every car magazine ever printed, and just the thought of what my girlfriend would do to me if I brought home naked women makes my cring. What to do?

I scan the rows for something thats catches my fancy. At last I come across the food and beverage section and grab three big-name wine publications. I quickly head back home to my bottle of Termes Temernio (review forthcoming).

With a glass of wine in hand, I flop down on my favorite chair--which also happens to be the only chair in the apartment--and start reading. Blah, blah, blah, smug, smug, smug. After I read the Words from the Editor I move through the pages to the reviews, and I read. Rather than finding heartfelt, passionate reviews about the dance of the wine on the author's palate, or a nose of the spring day when he had his first kiss by the river, there is a number. This made me wonder. Who the hell is making these numbers up? Wine Spectator has their system, Robert Parker has his, and even BevMo has their own set of numbers. How does a guy who has no wine knowledge pick out a bottle with all of these inconsistent numbers? This reminds me of a blog entry I read at Malibu is Burning about this same phenomenon.

I ignore every number that comes my way. These scores can be bias on a particular taste, or relation$hip [sic] with a vineyard. First find out what your palate likes. This will take some trial and error of buying and trying wines you may not like. Through this process, you will find what you do like, or find out you don't like wine at all and stick with beer. Cheers.

When you do realize what kind of wines you like, you can explore other wines that are consistent with the flavors you like. This is when you get to pretend you're in high school again, because now it's time to research. Read tasting notes, find others that have similar palates and ask them questions. Get multiple opinions, though, because palates are biased and one person may confuse residual sugar with fruit.

Wine of Chucky

Realistically, what can you buy for $2? You can get a pack of gum, or maybe one of those pine tree air fresheners for your car. Maybe two Mickey D's dollar menu burgers (gag), or, well... I don't know if there is much out there that costs two bucks and is actually worth it. Trader Joe's is known throughout the country as the place to find "trendy" food and wine. I have discovered that they sell dirt cheap stuff too. Charles Shaw Wines, affectionately known as "Two Buck Chuck," these $1.99 bottles of wine get the job done. You have your choice of a few reds and two whites that taste like spiked grape juice rather than wine.

This stuff is just barely passable. It is simply not good wine, but for two bucks, anyone can afford wine, whether it's with dinner or to get hammered every night. Unfortunately, it has no real character to it. You take in the nose and you can discern what grape it is, and that's about it. One won't detect black fruit with a hint of earth on the Cab. Nor will one dive into a glass of Chuck's Chardonnay and be bombarded with buttery oaked goodness on the palate. All of his wines smell and taste like grape.

So don't whip it out when you're trying to impress your fellow wino friends. This juice is more worthy of entertaining a lady friend with the IQ of a rutabaga. But it gets the job done, and for that I am forced to give Chuck S. credit.

No Sir, I don't like it.

Let's talk about a problem some wines are facing nowadays: mass production.

I'm gonna pick on you, California. I pay taxes here, so it's cool. With Napa Valley's popularity growing ever so rapidly, it was only a matter of time before a turd would fall out of its ass.

You all know this turd as Sutter Home Winery. Founded by a Swiss-German immigrant in the 1800's, the winery was once a mom and pop business. Now it's a big corporation that focuses on a customer base that has all had their tounges cut out. Granted, there are other offenders out there, but Sutter Home is the most familiar, and today's whipping boy. Sutter Home is in all of our supermarkets, gas stations and magazines.

So do all of us a favor. Next time you see a bottle of this swill, knock it off the shelf. On your way out, yell, "Cleanup in Aisle 13!"

Fess Parker Big Easy Syrah: Davey Crockett Approved

One name stands alone in the entertainment world and American history for being a bad-ass mofo. This name is Fess Parker. You may know him as Davey Crockett or Daniel Boone. The man's vineyard makes a mean syrah.

Fess makes a few syrahs, but the one that stands out is properly dubbed The Big Easy. This big boy isn't for a weak palate or white wine lover. It has hints of dark berry jam, but it isn't overly fruity. It has a good amount of acidity and a HUGE mouthfeel.

Pair it with anything red and dead--a nice big piece of beef, a burger, venison, or a hunk of lamb. Almost anything you throw at it, this syrah will stand up to. In some cases, it'll send it home crying to Mama. All of this can be yours for about 45 clams($45 us).

It's Just Booze: An Introduction

I'm Mike, and I like wine. Matter of fact, I like beer too. And booze. I generally enjoy most alcohol. I was introduced to wine a few years ago after enjoying beer most of my adult life. Since then, I've figured out that I have a pretty good palate. I'm no Wine Spectator wine critic, but I know what tastes good, and I know how to explain why something tastes good.

I want to share this knowledge with you, because the way most men learn about wine is one-sided, effeminate and objective. I want to present wine the way it tastes. No bullshit, no pretenses. Just how it tastes. Wine is actually one of the manliest beverages in the world, but you'd never know that with the way it's marketed. So the next time you pick up Wine Enthusiast, ignore those ratings. Here, you'll learn how to taste wine with an unbiased, open opinion. After all, it's just booze.