"Wine? What Wine? I'm Here For The Guys!"

I am sooooo glad i'm not awkward, middle aged, and single.

From Crackle: Drunk Singles Wine Tasting

She Must Really Like Box-O-Wine

Just Give it Some Time

Why wait? That is the question that pops into the head of an everyday guy or gal, when their wine geek buddy stows away a rather over priced bottle of vino. The reason for waiting is worth your time! Even after the fermentation process in the wine barrel, the adult grape juice goes through a completely different set of changes while in the bottle. This makes vintage wine special.
Some new, young wines have a harsh tannins. Tannins are the acidic structure in red wine that makes the wine feel dry. They are tasteless, but if there is too much present, it makes the wine harsh and unplesant. By putting a young bottle away in a temperature and moisture controlled room, the tannic acid reacts with other componets in the wine, then pushed out of the solution, and hardens to form sediment. The color of the wine changes too. Red wine will turn brownish and lighter, whereas white will darken to gold. Smells have a special change also. When a wine is young, the ordor it gives off is known as the "nose". After that same wine has matured, the nose becomes the "bouquet". This is a proper term, describing the complex nature of the elder wine's aroma.

It' Been A Long Time...

Well, after an extremely extended vacation, I'm back, and man do I have some stories for you all! Along with my hiatus from blogging, vino and I needed some time apart as well. It was a harsh and bitter split up, but beer was there to comfort and console me through my troubled times. I missed my sweet wine, however, and beer just couldn't fill the void, so now we are back together and happier than ever.
There are other big things happening in my life as well. I am moving to Santa Barbara County next week, Santa Maria to be exact. There, I will frolic among the grapes and dance upon the wine barrels, free from the froth and frivolity of Los Angeles. So look out for all new material coming fresh to you on It's Just Booze this month!

Open Up

Today we will learn how to use a double hinge corkscrew. Before you can start swiggin' down that sweet nectar of the gods, you need to get that cork out, and without breaking it or pushing it down the neck inside the bottle. I put together a pictoral step-by-step how to on how to use a corkscrew. Thanks to my lovely girlfriend for letting me use her hands.

Step 1. Get a good bottle.

Step 2. Buy a good double hinged corkscrew.


Step 3. Use the knife on the corkscrew to cut the foil completely around the top of the neck, under the lip.


Step 4. After the cut is made, using the knife again, pull the foil off of the lip. Now find the center of the cork and firmly insert the corkscrew.


Step 5. Now that you have the tip inserted into the cork, start turning the corkscrew firmly clockwise, with even pressure. Make sure that the screw stays in the middle. If the screw goes too far to one side, the cork may break when pulled out. Screw it all the way down so that the first hinge can rest on the lip.


Step 6. Using the first hinge as leverage, pull the handle up.


Step 7. At this point the second hinge should be resting on the lip with the cork halfway out.

Now you can repeat the same motion as step 6.


You did it (I hope)! Time to reward yourself for all the hard work that went into opening that bottle. Cheers, drink up!

Uncork It

Buisness today is all about gimmicks. Look no further than the world of wine for some of the most innovative, convincing ways to waste money. Companies think we are stupid, especially about wine. Every year we get bombarded with products designed to make our wine experience easier or more enjoyable.
Take the Wine Magnet. This thing claims to make a $10 bottle taste like a $300 bottle, and all you have to do is attach a tiny magnet around the neck as you pour.

Another thing that cooks my grits is the existence of nine billion types of corkscrews. CO2-powered openers, mechanical openers, and the creme de la creme, a $210 Genuine Reindeer Horn Chateau Laguiole Master Sommelier. I laugh at you Laguiole.

There is only one type of corkscrew any man will ever need. It's called a double-hinged waiter's corkscrew. Its best features are it costs under $1o plus the ease of operation and classy finesse that you exibit when using an old school corkscrew. With two or three practice runs, you will look like you have been around wine all your life, without those wussy rabbit ear openers.

Thank You Yo-Yo

Sometimes you should pamper yourself, I mean really ham it up. I did about a month ago by opening a bottle of 1996 Dom Perignon. I personally would never go out of my way to drop $200 on a bottle of suds, but this very special bottle was given to me by score writer and cellist Yo-Yo Ma. You know, the guy who wrote the music for Hidden Dragon and Memiors of a Geisha.

At my old wine retail job Yo-Yo Ma came in to buy an absurd amount of wine. After he made his purchase and left, I noticed an envelope sitting on the counter. Inside was his passport. As cool as a popsicle, I scooped it up and tracked down his assistant's phone number through the credit card company. About an hour later a black towncar pulls up and Yo-Yo Ma and his assistant hop out. The ever-thankful assistant offered me money to show his gratitude, which I declined. Mr. Ma told his assistant something, then looked at me and smiled. The assistant ran to the trunk of the car, pulled out a green box, and hurried back in with it. "If you will not take money, then you will take this," Mr. Ma demanded, and handed me the bottle of Dom '96. Pretty generous, I have to say.

Later that evening I got home and contemplated the future of the champagne. To store or to drink? After what seemed like hours, the jury of one made his decesion to store it.

About a week passed, and I couldn't wait any longer! Off goes the top, and into the glass it went. This Dom showed beautiful toasted color and a perfect amount of fizz. On the nose I found a hint of citrus and mineral. At my first sip, I thought that the wine was too young, and I was right. I should have put it down for another 5-10 years, and my lack of patience cost me dearly. Toasty biscuit, lemon and metallic flavors came through the stampede of bubbles, with a nice dry finish across my palate. Definitely a good bottle, but I wish that I could have waited.

I am beyond grateful to Yo-Yo Ma for his generosity. Unfortunately, however, my ability to wait to open something good resembles a 9-year-old on Christmas Eve, so my first experience with Dom Perignon was memorable, but not as epic as it would have been if I'd waited a bit.

It's Not in the Numbers

It's Sunday afternoon. A 62-degree late January day in LA, a great day for a walk down to the newsstand for somthing to read in the evening. I grab my hoodie and jacket and I'm off faster than a prom dress. Upon my arrival, there's a plethora of automotive publications, female "I hate my body" magazines, and row after row of nudie magazines. It's a hard choice between cars and girls, but I happen to have nearly every car magazine ever printed, and just the thought of what my girlfriend would do to me if I brought home naked women makes my cring. What to do?

I scan the rows for something thats catches my fancy. At last I come across the food and beverage section and grab three big-name wine publications. I quickly head back home to my bottle of Termes Temernio (review forthcoming).

With a glass of wine in hand, I flop down on my favorite chair--which also happens to be the only chair in the apartment--and start reading. Blah, blah, blah, smug, smug, smug. After I read the Words from the Editor I move through the pages to the reviews, and I read. Rather than finding heartfelt, passionate reviews about the dance of the wine on the author's palate, or a nose of the spring day when he had his first kiss by the river, there is a number. This made me wonder. Who the hell is making these numbers up? Wine Spectator has their system, Robert Parker has his, and even BevMo has their own set of numbers. How does a guy who has no wine knowledge pick out a bottle with all of these inconsistent numbers? This reminds me of a blog entry I read at Malibu is Burning about this same phenomenon.

I ignore every number that comes my way. These scores can be bias on a particular taste, or relation$hip [sic] with a vineyard. First find out what your palate likes. This will take some trial and error of buying and trying wines you may not like. Through this process, you will find what you do like, or find out you don't like wine at all and stick with beer. Cheers.

When you do realize what kind of wines you like, you can explore other wines that are consistent with the flavors you like. This is when you get to pretend you're in high school again, because now it's time to research. Read tasting notes, find others that have similar palates and ask them questions. Get multiple opinions, though, because palates are biased and one person may confuse residual sugar with fruit.

Wine of Chucky

Realistically, what can you buy for $2? You can get a pack of gum, or maybe one of those pine tree air fresheners for your car. Maybe two Mickey D's dollar menu burgers (gag), or, well... I don't know if there is much out there that costs two bucks and is actually worth it. Trader Joe's is known throughout the country as the place to find "trendy" food and wine. I have discovered that they sell dirt cheap stuff too. Charles Shaw Wines, affectionately known as "Two Buck Chuck," these $1.99 bottles of wine get the job done. You have your choice of a few reds and two whites that taste like spiked grape juice rather than wine.

This stuff is just barely passable. It is simply not good wine, but for two bucks, anyone can afford wine, whether it's with dinner or to get hammered every night. Unfortunately, it has no real character to it. You take in the nose and you can discern what grape it is, and that's about it. One won't detect black fruit with a hint of earth on the Cab. Nor will one dive into a glass of Chuck's Chardonnay and be bombarded with buttery oaked goodness on the palate. All of his wines smell and taste like grape.

So don't whip it out when you're trying to impress your fellow wino friends. This juice is more worthy of entertaining a lady friend with the IQ of a rutabaga. But it gets the job done, and for that I am forced to give Chuck S. credit.

No Sir, I don't like it.

Let's talk about a problem some wines are facing nowadays: mass production.

I'm gonna pick on you, California. I pay taxes here, so it's cool. With Napa Valley's popularity growing ever so rapidly, it was only a matter of time before a turd would fall out of its ass.

You all know this turd as Sutter Home Winery. Founded by a Swiss-German immigrant in the 1800's, the winery was once a mom and pop business. Now it's a big corporation that focuses on a customer base that has all had their tounges cut out. Granted, there are other offenders out there, but Sutter Home is the most familiar, and today's whipping boy. Sutter Home is in all of our supermarkets, gas stations and magazines.

So do all of us a favor. Next time you see a bottle of this swill, knock it off the shelf. On your way out, yell, "Cleanup in Aisle 13!"

Fess Parker Big Easy Syrah: Davey Crockett Approved

One name stands alone in the entertainment world and American history for being a bad-ass mofo. This name is Fess Parker. You may know him as Davey Crockett or Daniel Boone. The man's vineyard makes a mean syrah.

Fess makes a few syrahs, but the one that stands out is properly dubbed The Big Easy. This big boy isn't for a weak palate or white wine lover. It has hints of dark berry jam, but it isn't overly fruity. It has a good amount of acidity and a HUGE mouthfeel.

Pair it with anything red and dead--a nice big piece of beef, a burger, venison, or a hunk of lamb. Almost anything you throw at it, this syrah will stand up to. In some cases, it'll send it home crying to Mama. All of this can be yours for about 45 clams($45 us).

It's Just Booze: An Introduction

I'm Mike, and I like wine. Matter of fact, I like beer too. And booze. I generally enjoy most alcohol. I was introduced to wine a few years ago after enjoying beer most of my adult life. Since then, I've figured out that I have a pretty good palate. I'm no Wine Spectator wine critic, but I know what tastes good, and I know how to explain why something tastes good.

I want to share this knowledge with you, because the way most men learn about wine is one-sided, effeminate and objective. I want to present wine the way it tastes. No bullshit, no pretenses. Just how it tastes. Wine is actually one of the manliest beverages in the world, but you'd never know that with the way it's marketed. So the next time you pick up Wine Enthusiast, ignore those ratings. Here, you'll learn how to taste wine with an unbiased, open opinion. After all, it's just booze.